What is a codependent relationship? It involves a vicious spiral of behavior where it can seem like the partners involved have become addicted to one another. In such a partnership, one person cleaves to the other for help and support, which they often receive through manipulative means. The other party becomes accustomed to their role as savior, and while they may often feel resentful, they come to rely on dysfunctional behavior. If their loved one begins to improve, it could make them panic, as they no longer understand the role they play. Such dynamics are rarely healthy for the following five reasons.
Words: Mia Barnes
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1. They Revolve Around Impossible Needs
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“You’re my everything.” These words sound trés romantic, which is why some versions appear in many greeting cards and ballad lyrics. However, stop for a moment and consider the ramifications of such sweeping statements. If you hear these words when you feel vulnerable, you might think, “Allelujah, my white knight (or virtuous lady) has arrived.” Individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD), for instance, often have survived trauma that erodes their sense of self. They seek a sense of identity in others, frequently identifying one individual as their “favorite person.” The problem is, they then rely on that person for emotional support and feel like they can’t survive without them.
At first, the “stronger” party may do all they can to meet their partner’s demands. Try as you might, you can’t be everything to somebody else. The pressure inevitably leads to resentment, which can then result in heated arguments or passive-aggressive behavior. It’s okay to have someone love and want you, but when they need you, things get complicated quickly.
2. They Don't Allow for Healthy Boundaries
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In a codependent relationship, one partner typically feels like they "can't say no." You have the right to refuse unreasonable demands and decline invitations that interfere with your plans. However, an overly clingy love interest can make you feel like you’re abandoning them when you merely want to drive a few golf balls in peace.
If your partner refuses to hear the word “no,” consider it a red flag. Try talking to them about your needs and pay attention to how they respond. If they still don’t respect your decisions, you might need to walk away. At best, you set yourself up for continued arguments that raise your cortisol levels and increase your blood pressure. At worst, your partner uses extreme and even manipulative or violent methods to control you.
3. They Involve People-Pleasing, Not Genuine Connection
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Do you feel like you always walk on eggshells, and no matter what you do, you can’t please the one you love? Consider this unpleasant sensation your body’s way of telling you that you are ignoring your needs and suppressing your wants and interests to please your partner.
In a healthy relationship, each party works together to help the other grow. But they don’t shoulder the burden for someone else’s happiness. They perform acts of love out of a genuine desire to show their significant other they care, not because they fear an explosion if they fail to comply.
4. They Don't Permit Growth
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Codependent relationships stifle individual growth. When one partner starts to evolve, the other, much like a crab in a bucket, tries to pull them back down. They don’t do so intentionally, but they amp up the volume of maladaptive behaviors, making the other party feel guilty for getting better.
This dynamic often occurs in relationships where one partner has a substance abuse problem. As they enter recovery, their partners can discover they like being the center of the addicted person’s world, and they feel lost when they aren’t taking care of them. If your partner tries to quit drinking and you find yourself saying things like, “Just one won’t hurt you,” you need to put yourself in check. In a healthy relationship, both individuals encourage positive behaviors, such as saying, “no thank you” to the second glass of wine.
5. They're Reactive Instead of Proactive
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Finally, all relationships require give-and-take. No matter how much you love someone, you won’t agree on everything. Maybe you can’t stand it when they while away a Sunday watching NASCAR, and they don’t see the point in keeping a scrapbook. In a healthy partnership, you discuss these differences calmly and rationally and come to a compromise.
Codependent relationships view disagreements as a battlefield. If you want to watch a comedy and your partner prefers a drama, you might begrudgingly give in to make them happy and simmer with resentment. You might also leave the room and watch television elsewhere in a huff. In a healthy partnership, you compromise without feeling like you’re surrendering your right to ever watch the programming you enjoy. You honestly decide that your partner’s happiness is more important than a silly movie.
Codependent Relationships Are Rarely Healthy
Codependent relationships are rarely healthy because they involve an unsustainable dynamic where one partner demands more than the other can reasonably give. They fuel frustration and resentment because both parties get caught in a vicious cycle of emotional turmoil followed by calm. However, by recognizing the signs, you can open your communication lines again and regain a positive partnership.